Monday, March 14, 2011

There Is Nothing Wrong With Your Television Set

Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. Who are we? Why, we're the Nielsen Ratings of course! Let the news be heralded on every corner. Shout it from every mountaintop. It is I, the pure one, whom the Nielsen Ratings people in their great wisdom have chosen to be representative for television viewing in my neighborhood. You heareth correctly knaves. I will decide what's fit to watch and what isn't. I will control the viewing destiny of man. You will hide in caves and holes in the Earth. You will pray for death, but no reprieve for your sentence shall be granted. I will smite thee with my mighty remote control. Be afraid, ye of mortal birth, for he who hath tasted the honey dew of the electron gods sitteth among you, and yea, his arm is not weak. The flipper doth tremble at his touch.

Just saying....


  1. I'm sort of partial to American Pickers and Antiques Roadshow. How much will it cost me to have you watch them?

  2. You wish to have an audience with the representative of the electron gods?

    Admission fee = 3 large pecan pies
    Consideration fee = 4 liters of Coca Cola
    Contingency fee = 5 large deep dish sausage Rocky Rococo pizzas flown in fresh by Learjet from Madison Wisconsin, 6 large gooey butter cakes, and an autographed 16x20" naked photo of Julia Childs (because sometimes you just gotta say, what the hell)

  3. I was with you up to the Julia Childs part. Are you certain?? I'm sure I could find one if I searched the internet enough! The autograph may be hard to come by though. LOL

  4. "I was with you up to the Julia Childs part."

    What, the Learjet didn't throw you!?

    If the photo of Julia Childs proves difficult to procure, Bea Arthur or Phyllis Diller would be acceptable substitutes. Are they not ravishing? Just doing my part to love the unlovable. Berta from Three and a Half Men is up next. My loins acheth for Berta!